Dear Mama,

You raised me to be independent and have the ability to stand on my own, and I do, so why do I feel like I have to re-evaluate who I am and what my role is in our family now that you're gone?  Why do I feel like so much of who I am was part you? 

I was an adult before, of course, but now I feel like I am thrown to the wolves to figure out how to continue to grow and be a mom and a wife.  I still need you.  I still need your example and advice and support and comfort.  I guess I was a lot more dependent on you than I thought I was.

You raised us all in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but of your 3 children (and your spouse), I am the only one left in the family who is an active member.  When I am with Kate and Matthew, I feel like there are no pretenses with them anymore.  They are who they are; they don't hide it anymore.  They did before when they were around you, out of respect for you and the way you raised us.  But now I feel like instead of looking at me like a sibling, they look at me like some old-fashioned mom-figure because I represent the standards you raised us with.  They don't tell me things that are going on in their lives, just like they sheltered you.  They also have a new closeness to each other, which is great, but I feel a little left out.

Then I think maybe it is okay for me to feel left out.  I AM different, and I AM a mom and I DO represent those values, and I shouldn't feel self-conscious about it because not only are they what makes me ME, but they are my connection to YOU.

But as Jay points out, it is important to distinguish that I am NOT their mom.  They are adults (mostly), and don't need guidance and counsel from me.  They can make their own choices and I can still love them and be close to them without necessarily condoning those choices.  They know where I stand and if they don't want to tell me some things, maybe that is fine.  Maybe I don't want to know anyway.  Maybe that information would just upset me, like it did you.  So I am just going to keep working harder to be a better me, and let them figure out the best way to be better at being them and try my hardest not to judge them or give them unsolicited advice.

But oh, what do I know!?